our vinegar garden

in the spirit of reflection and thinking, i thought the best way to start was by giving my oh-so-very-important opinion on how the content and media we produce reflects a little, if not a huge, part of us.

i'm not going to indulge in the research on this topic because one, 
if you wanted actual research, you wouldn't be here (sorry ٩(•ิ˓̭ •ิ )ง. these are my personal thoughts, remember?), and two,
there are so many video essays that talk about this topic from a neutral stance. 

    i talk about this from a place of disappointment. we are not the same.

but in all honesty, i've become quite exhausted hearing the same "i only do this for the money" or "they're getting paid, so does it matter?" 

    it matters.

because as much as you love to claim what you share has nothing to do with who you are, you're lying. 

we're all liars, but not only are you a bad one, you also can't see how clearly you disguise your own motives.

    money is a motive.

if you're content (as in pleased) doing whatever you think will get you paid, does that not reflect what you value? 

(and as a reminder, i don't mean regular people trying to live. i mean the people who already have more than enough, yet continue to create content that hurts themselves, others, or both. honestly, though, this is a topic that i'd go deeper into when discussing capitalism (╬▔皿▔)).

    popularity is a motive.

if you'll do anything you can to gain followers or excessive attention, does that not say anything about you?

    making space for yourself is a motive.

if you're like me and you create a presence on the internet that anyone can see and interact with, does that not show you think what you're doing is profound?

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so at least we know that what we share on the internet says something about our psyche. 

and you'll think, "but Samar, don't artists share their creations, don't scholars pass down their knowledge, don't all people want to be seen and feel necessary?"

    yes.

    yes.

    yes.

i do not deny that we want to exist in the world rather than on it.
but tell me, if these things are true, why do we escape our motivations?

why do we battle the people who say we're sharing for attention, money, significance, etc.? 

i mean we've acknowledged that humans long to thrive within society. to have that little bit of attention. that feeling of bringing value to another. 

i think we fight it because it makes us vulnerable.
often we feel attacked. as if the commenters claim they suddenly know us. 

and when you feel that hint of "this is what i value most" and people know it, you become guarded.

            stop running from your creations. because they are you. 

whether they are your mind, body, or soul—even if you're projecting someone or something else.

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denial is watering your plants with vinegar to let your neighbors think you care about gardening. 
when in reality you know you're pretending and in a short while so will your neighbors.